We all know about bad music/movies/games/books/YouTube comments, but before we even had VHS, beta max, or cassette tapes, we had horrible covers to vinyl records that blow my fucking mind. First off, you might say to yourself, “Steve, this shit is clearly photo-shopped and fake as hell.” To you non-believers I will say, “NO, these are actual and legitimate musicians of their respective time. I am here to bring you 5 of my favorite bad/offensive album covers.
LAUPER LOOK-ALIKE
(Snjezana Komar?)
“Even a Woman Drinks When the Love Sinks” – Actual Translation
This album cover conveys everything that is social awkwardness and indifference , and by that I mean everything that Cyndi Lauper was in the 1980’s. I even found a photograph of Miss Lauper with almost the exact same facial expression.
Also, this looks eerily familiar to a photo I once saw while stocking the shelves at Foodland (it’s a grocery store). The face I refer to is on a bottle of, let’s say, “feminine hygiene product” so we don’t upset anyone. On this box the women appeared to have been informed midway through the photo shoot as to what exactly she was modeling for. It’s stunning really, to see her go through the 5 stages of grief all in one photo (just like this album cover). Shall we go on this adventure together and break this photo down?
1. Denial- her hair says it all, it still thinks it can be cool through fashion.
2. Anger- look at her eyes, squinted like she is ready to strike.
3. Bargaining -Also in the eyes, as you look longer you can even see regret.
4. Depression-her mouth….what more can I say.
5. Acceptance- The fact she put this photo on the cover of her album.
Liebe Mutter, by Heino.
First, I want to point out that the first 15 times I looked at this picture I thought I was looking at a woman…NOPE, it’s a dude. This is what I picture Ellen DeGeneres to look like if she went on a 10 year meth bender and then to top it off got kicked in the head by a mule. However, this “guy” is a legitimate legend in Germany. This man is a German crooner and is basically the German Frank Sinatra and he has sold over 50 million records. Also, I pictured the first thing to exit his mouth upon meeting me would be, “Where is the money Lebowski?” To which I would reply, “take it easy man, take the four dollars” or, “Nice Marmot.” That’s from the Big Lebowski if you live under a rock. Did I mention he suffers from “GRAVES” disease.
Ken
This is just awful It looks like a super terrible high school senior class photo. Stare into his eyes long enough and legend has it he steals your soul to feed to his mustache. Other than that, his button-down shirt seems to be something you would actually wear if you shopped in the men’s/women’s section of urban outfitters. By that I mean he looks like a New- Mexico cowboy (pictured below).
Jesus Use Me
All of the women in this remind me of styles I see on the Brooklyn-bound “L” train. No, this is not a spoof album cover for some women’s trio band from 2004, this is a legitimate album cover for an EVANGELICAL trio from 1963. I know that my mind goes to the dirty places first but come on, could they not see that the album name was just crazy? The song “Jesus use me” is ripe with innuendo (to me), but, it is most likely a super wholesome song, and I would like to see it in the next Bioshock game.
Mr. Banjo
And last but not least the most offensive album cover…well not on earth but on this website. The album is, “Hey Mister Banjo” by the Sunnysiders. It reached #12 on the Billboard top 100 in 1955…. #12!!! I don’t actually have to say anything about this album for people to laugh in an uncomfortable manner because that’s exactly what I did when I saw it. But, like the show It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia says, “NOT doing Murtaugh in black face is racist.” Now you know why my mind was blown.
-SG
Scared Bunny 