If there’s one thing I know, that thing would be terrible movies. I can’t stop watching them. Specifically, I can’t stop watching them in theaters and hating myself the entire time. I’m a decent human so for your benefit and the benefit of all mankind, I will tell you movies that you should never see. Ever. I speak from a moral high ground here so heed my words. You’re welcome.
I brought my pregnant wife to go see this because I’m a terrible husband. We went out on a date and we were torn between this and Red 2. Don’t ask why those were the options, I can’t imagine the reason myself. I would have rather stayed home and punched my dog and watched Shia Labouef run from Michaels Bay’s explosions (transformers reference, well not the dog part). To get a scale of how terrible this is, my dog is my homie. He talks me through life and generally is a better person than most actual people, except maybe Ghandi or Mother Theresa. So for me to have rather punched him in the teeth than to have been part of this movie experience is saying a lot. Here’s a cut-scene from the movie.
You don’t believe that’s movie? Go see it and then come back to me. The movie is filled with Zords that are only slightly less interesting than the Power Rangers’ Zords. I know that they call the machines Jagers in the movie, but I prefer Zords. Anyways, the main Zord is named, “Gypsy Danger”. This name might be a reference to something I don’t know, but why would I take the time to find out what that thing is, I’m just going to get offended instead. To me that name really says, “Hey! Gypsy’s are dangerous, they’ll steal from you using goats and Demi Moore will leave you for Kevin Kline. Oh, you never really had her and she never did anything to lead you on? Whatever, tell Jason Alexander you can’t fuck pigeons.” BOOM. Did you guys get the reference to Disney’s “The Hunchback of Notre Dame”? I’m done.
Oh by the way, did you know that this isn’t even about aliens?! They are apparently Japanese monsters from another dimension that have the same battle plan as the Soviet Union in WWII; Throw people (or giant Asian monsters) at the other side until the war is over! Do you know how many people died because of that tactic? Me neither and I really don’t feel like looking it up. Speaking of the U.S.S.R., the best Zord in this movie is the Russian one…but of course it was killed in the first battle you see it in, go figure. Moral of the movie? America saves the day again. Go fuck yourself Guillermo Del Toro, your movies blow.
I hear that free bottles of Gold Bond medicated powder are given out after you sit and watch a geriatric Bruce Willis blow his hip out. Why would anyone think this is a good idea? Well I guess after the “success” of Expendables 2 there is a craze to throw aging actors into combat situations and see what happens. I won’t lie, I loved The Expendables, because they didn’t sugar coat the plot line with “acting” and other tactics. Well, I guess that’s mostly because there wasn’t a plot line.
Anyways, the fact that this shitshow (Red 2, in case I lost you) is a SEQUEL to a film that grossed $90,356,857 with a budget of $58,000,000 to start. blows my mind. Yes, 32 million dollars profit is a lot of money. No, that’s not enough to recreate it in hopes that it will pull the same profit. Oh, wait, they’re still $65 million behind matching the budget of Red 2?! Who saw that coming? I did. If I wanted to watch aging stars make fools of themselves I’d wait and go see…
Nice transition, huh? Seriously though, let me tell you what this movie will be about. Two guys try to prove that being old and out of touch with reality is still cool and worthwhile. We all know what’s going on in the world, Vince! If you’re old, no job, if you’re young, no job. I might go see this actually. I’ll download Fred Claus to my phone and watch that while I’m in the theater. This would be a sound decision on a mulititude of levels. First, I will offend nobody because no one will be in the theater. Second, this would continue my tradition of terrible movie choices. Third, and most important, Fred Claus is a significantly better movie than this will be. I know that from the previews alone.
How many job applications do you think google will get because of this move? The answer is three. Three applications because that’s how many people will go see it in theaters. The same people that think the comedic duo of a guy that talks fast and a depressed/suicidal sidekick will work past one movie (Wedding Crashers). Embarassing. Fun fact, Owen Wilson has own drinking game. You watch any of his movies and whenever he’s sad you drink. The game usually ends in suicide because no one can watch that much Owen Wilson without offing themselves
On another note, why is Patrick Stewart in everything now? It was funny when he did little things for Seth Macfarlane, now I just hate him.
Insidious 2 – The Revenge of Darth Maul (I know I’m not the first to make this leap, but you might be the first not to have made that comparison)
Okay, fucking seriously?! The first one was almost scary, then BAM Darth Maul was there! Goddammit Darth Maul, you’ve already ruined one movie for me (that’s a lie, Jar-Jar Binks did most of the ruining, but the Quasi-Sith Lord helped, nice tattoos douchebag) why do you have to ruin another?
Based upon the title alone, I will assume this movie will accelerate its way in obscurity at a rate of 9.8m/s2. Sandra Bullock makes an appearance in space and she wears both Russian and American Space suits at different times. That’s honestly all I can really get from the previews. Watch the preview, there’s nothing. I have nothing to even make fun of because nothing happens.
The Lone Ranger
This only gets an honorable mention because thus far no one has gone to see it on purpose. Thankfully that means I am not required to save you from Johnny Depp playing a Native American. There is hope for humanity! Side note: Is Johnny Depp actually Native American? That’s another thing I don’t care to find out about. It might not be as offensive if he is, but the movie would still blow penis.