Today we discuss comics, but not just any comics. Today we talk about…horrible Latino comic heroes! Before we get down to it I guess I should walk you through how I landed on this specific topic. First, the article was going to be about why all super heroes are actually terrible, but that is a huge undertaking. Next, I changed it to terrible super powers. In the process, I came across some really awful powers like, Matter-Eater Lad… Jesus, I wish this was fake. His super power is the ability to literally eat matter in any form. His power is in his name and now I don’t know why I had to explain that power. After getting stuck trying to figure out other terrible powers I switched to just plain awful comic characters. For this I needed the help of a friend, Mr. Percy. We started to discuss characters in general, horrible background characters, and so on, but one character in particular stood out amongst the rest, “Bueno Excellente”. After more discussion and research I found that most every character that is of South American/Spanish/Latin decent is THE WORST THING EVER, well except for Bane.
Enough of that, on to the list.
1. ) Bat hombre–
Yes there is a Mexican version of Batman and yes he is a walking stereotype of everything Mexican. Let us run down the line and try and point out everything wrong with this picture. First off, you notice that he has a comically huge Mustache, and is wearing a poncho like cape. The only thing missing from his ensemble is a sombrero, maracas, and the ability to fight crime using queso fresco and tortillas.
Did I fail to mention he rides a horse into battle, named I shit you not, “BAT-HORSE”? I think everyone who wrote this story arch was on cocaine at some point. The worst part about Bat-Horse is not that he is wearing a mask, but rather the fact that the writers thought that Mexico did not have the technology to create a combustion engine or that they still feared technology as witchcraft, so they gave him a horse.
(At least its not a donkey…)
But the worst part of it all is that he is actually, dun dun dun…EVIL! Evil because Mexico is not ready to have a racially stereotyped batman. So, in a move of sheer genius he uses what he learned from Adam West Batman to do bad things. Honestly, I got so confused I gave up on looking into something that was that terrible.
(Dat Bat Stache.)
Eventually, Batman defeats his “mexiclone” and in one final act of madness helps the country of Mexico by dressing up in the same outfit and pretending to be bat-hombre? So let me walk you through the short version of this: he trains a Batman, overthrows said Batman, and then poses as the Batman he overthrew.
I guess the Mexican community, in the eyes of DC comics, can only turn corrupt when given any power. I sincerly hope that this is the story-line they use for the “Ben Affleck” batman reboot, it is almost as bad as his acting in Daredevil (I will never forgive him).
2)El Gaucho –
I Guess since we just mentioned the Mexican Batman we should meet the man the bat inspired to be one of the worst superheroes ever. So let me give you some background, he started out as a character from a 1955 batman story arch called “Batmen of All Nations” that was later changed to the eqaully terrible “International Club of Heroes”. The only thing this makes me think of is that they are like some sort of model UN, but more racist.
Okay, so fast forward about 20-30 years. El Gaucho saves Batman by using his signature weapon the Boleadoras/Bola…
Batman is so grateful that he gets El Gaucho in on his league of semi reject super heroes. Let me list them:
(^ The only 2 legit heroes)
Red Robin – worldwide
Oracle – World Wide Web
Batwoman – Gotham City
Knight and Squire – Great Britain
The Hood – Great Britain
Nightrunner – France
Batwing – Tinasha, Democratic Republic of Congo
Blackbat – Hong Kong
Mr. Unknown – Japan
Dark Ranger – Australia
Batman of Moscow (Ravil) – Moscow, Russia
Man-Of-Bats and Little Raven – South Dakota
Don’t be alarmed if you didn’t know any of these people existed because neither did I until 5 minutes ago.
(Best comic book cover ever.)
And yes, I know what you might be thinking, “Man-Of-Bats”? Yes, that is a superhero.
On to El Gaucho and his costume. What might it be you ask? A red bandanna, leather jacket, and white V-neck T-shirt. He also has a belt buckle that has “EG” on it in case you forget his terrible name.
Like all batmen, his superpowers are not actually super. One is actually listed as “Attractive Male”. Boy, do I wish I had that super power (really, I do). The others listed are the most generic powers on the planet: agility, unarmed combat, and stamina. So he can jump around while punching shit for a really long time, just like every batman ever.
If you were wondering just what exactly El Gaucho is up to these days, let me tell you. He has now moved on from the batman league to an even more obscure group of heroes called “The Dead Heroes Club” which has such household superheroes like, Wingman (Tom Cruise?!), Freight Train, Looker, the Hood, Batwing, and Halo.
Moving on to the worst of the bunch, the gold medal winner of terrible characters with the most terrible powers…
Bueno Excellente, is a semi-background character in a comic called “Hitman”, published by DC comics, where he has appeared in nine issues. He is a member of section 8, a group of reject superheroes that live in, of all places, GOTHAM! Holy shit. For all you non-comic readers, Batman is from Gotham, and has apparently been the key to the equation. Kill the Batman, stop the terrible characters.
Tangent over, back to Bueno. His super power is “the power of perversion”. You may be scratching your head at this, but it is actually what you are thinking right now. He literally rapes other male superheroes. Did I fail to mention he only says two things, “Bueno” or “excellente” as he either thinks about forced sodomy, or during. He has no set super hero costume but he has dressed up in a wedding dress.
In one of the greatest moments in DC comic history Bueno Excellente drugs and rapes Kyle Rayner, The Green Lantern.
You can see Batman shrug off Kyle’s story because he knows he is actually to blame for all of these characters. I don’t know how a bald, continually sweating, Mexican man makes it as a character in any comic, but if you had to place him in something weird, it might as well be the DC equivalent of Deadpool. It is hilarious when he affects legitimate DC stories like the Justice League.
One thing I have learned is that if Gotham was a real place I would never visit, and Batman needs to stop creating superhero leagues.