This is a very important topic to me for several reasons and I don’t see why I should not tell you those reasons:
1.) I have been MIA from posts for some time, so I feel that I must have something decent to come back with
2.) Yesterday an actual human being dressed as, from the sounds of it, Blossom called Steve a hipster. He might be, I don’t know, point is she was dressed as if she was a cast member on “Salute Your Shorts” so she can’t, by default, ever make fun of anybody…ever.
So let’s get into the 1990s music scene to further prove why you have no business existing if you still dress like The Cranberries are relevant.
Okay, I know that this song came out in 1989, BUT to my credit it’s fucking terrible and if you don’t immediately think about the early 1990s when you hear it you’re wrong. Also, it was the opening theme to some piece of TV garbage from the ’90s. The show was Get a Life starring Chris Elliott as a paperboy. Nothing in that last sentence was a joke. After looking up this sitcom, I thank all the gods that I’ve never seen it personally. Chris Elliot is a terrible actor whose only gift is to make you uncomfortable. On IMDB the top 3 movies he’s known for are Cabin Boy, There’s Something About Mary, and Groundhog Day. That means that two of his top three film roles barely classify him as a supporting actor. It also means that 66% of his life is terrible and pointless. Groundhog Day is the only good movie and it is 100% NOT about Chris Elliott. Translation of everything I just wrote: Stand is such a terrible song that it’s major connection to humanity is through Chris Elliott.
I get knocked down, but I get up again. Words to live by, unless you enjoy this song or care that it came out in 1997 which is clearly not the early ’90s. I’m currently 0 for 2 on listing songs between 1990 and 1995, but if you didn’t notice, I don’t care. I think the big reason my mind can’t remember a song from those years is because they were all worse than Tubthumping. Seriously, at least this is almost socially relevant. However, do you want to know something I’m ecstatic about? The fact thatI wasn’t 21 or older in 1997. Can you even imagine hearing this song in a bar when all you want to do is enjoy yourself and maybe have unprotected sex later on in the evening? I’m assuming that’s what everyone did because everything else that came out of the ’90s was a mistake, so why not the children too? If you’re reading this and you were born in the 1990’s ask your parents, I bet you were a mistake.
Len – Steal My Sunshine (and my soul)
Shit. This was released in 1999. I’m really trying here, I promise. For whatever reason, all I have is late ’80s and late ’90s. It’s as though my brain is missing 5 years of music. Anyways, let me explain to you why this band had zero follow ups after this god forsaken song. They suck. The man’s voice in this makes me want to scream (which is a GREAT ’90s song with Michael and Janet Jackson and so far the closest I’ve gotten to the early ’90s). Do you realize that in their music video, the man who can only be described as “Len”, is driving a Moped? That’s never been cool and will never be cool. Yes, it’s acceptable if you can’t afford gas prices but cool? Hell no. Keep in mind the fact that I wrote an article about Star Wars and it wasn’t a joke. So if I think you’ve failed at life, you really have.
I’m done trying to get this right. This song was released in 1999.
Either way, it’s terrible and makes me hate all of the nineties. The Lyte Funky Ones (LFO) sing about Abercrombie and Fitch a lot in this song. In fact, they say the words 8 times. Actually, since we’re counting words, to really drive the point that they like summer girls (hence the title) they repeat the word summer 29 times. They say, “summertime” 4 times and they say, “some are” 4 times as well. Seriously, I honestly counted. Also, there is a line in the “song” that goes, “Let you off the hook like my man Mr. Limpet.” Now, if you seriously know who Mr. Limpet is, raise your hand. My hand went up because I’m a dweeb but I doubt that a lot of people knew about Mr. Limpet. The Incredible Mr. Limpet is a movie starring Don Knotts from 1964. Let’s keep going. There was only one good line in this song and it was “I’ll steal your honey like I stole your bike” and that was a reference to The Beastie Boys song The New Style. No, it wasn’t a reference, it was directly stolen. Why would they even assume that it’s okay to reference The Beastie Boys in their “music”? Anyways, somehow one of the guys from this band dated Jennifer Love Hewitt which promptly ruined her career. One of the guys from the band died from Leukemia. I just read that. So I guess that’s my cue to stop making fun of them. Their music was still absolute shit though.
Joey Lawrence – Nothing My Love Can’t Fix
Yes! I did it! I read over my article, saw the Blossom reference and I remembered, Joey Lawrence made music. I searched and guess what, his song came out in 1993 AND it was fucking awful! Buzzfeed has even gone so far as to list it in the top 20 worst songs of the 1990s. I think it might actually be worse than Stand. I really have no idea what else to say about this. I’m just happy I have a song from the actual early ’90s to give my article some validity. Also, I secretly love this song.