Scared Bunny

Willy Wonka is Secretly A Dick

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If you personally know me, you might know I love Willy Wonka (Gene Wilder, NOT Johnny Depp) deeply. I love this movie so much I can almost quote it from start to finish, sans the terrible song cheer up Charlie that I always fast forwarded through on my VHS tape to the point it would no longer play correctly. However, today I come to you humble readers with an observation. Willy Wonka is a DICK. A super Dick. So today I tear apart one of my beloved childhood movies for your amusement.

wonka-ticket

1.) The Contest

First off, this contest is the most rigged shit the planet has ever seen. He sends BILLIONS of chocolate bars into the world and only five have a golden ticket. So you say to yourself, “no, it was all random and an act of chance on who gets the golden tickets”, I call bullshit. Each ticket is found by a child, and that child within mere SECONDS is being spoken to off camera by Slugworth about the money he will give them if they bring him an “Everlasting Gobstopper”, enough money for them to live comfortably for the rest of their lives. In the DVD version special features the cast commentary of the movie says it adds “magic” to the story (yes I watched it with the narration). No, it does not add magic, it adds further proof that the beloved Wonka planned every aspect of this from day one.

Apart from being rigged, this contest literally threw the world into socio-economic turmoil. People sell out of Wonka bars in days, riots are going on in the streets, children’s educations are being put on hold (Charlie’s teacher dismisses class to buy Wonka bars), a women even will give up the life of her husband because she does not want to give into the ransom demands of her last case of Wonka bars. Jesus, people are KIDNAPPING each other for Wonka bars.

OompaLoompa3

2.)  Oompa-Loompas

The Oompa-Loompas come from LoompaLand, where I suppose they were being eaten by Snozzwanglers and snarling Vermicious Knids.  So Willy saved them. Did he really save them though? Willy Wonka apparently has the technology to either: A) cross dimensions to an alternate universe where the earth is inhabited by mystical creatures and little orange men, or B) he has the ability for interstellar travel and went to an entirely different planet in search of what? We don’t know but, he befriends the orange people and “rescues” them and brings them to earth. Or finally C) he is crazy and convinced a bunch of little people to live with him in his never land and mix cream and sugar into his chocolate river.

Going with either choice A or B, you can get to one logical conclusion, Willy Wonka has placed the Oompa-loompas into indentured servitude/slavery. Like the creepy man with the knife cart says, “nobody ever goes in… nobody ever comes out”,

meaning they NEVER have left the factory. They toil day and night to do the bidding of a mad man. The Oompa-Loompas only interaction with the human race has been Willy Wonka up until the contest. You can clearly see that throughout the entire movie they loath the human race, and see us as a fat, lazy, needy, good for nothing species.  They learned this all from watching Willy Wonka.

I don’t know about you, but I’m ready for the Loompa revolt.

3.) The non winners?

Whoa, you might be saying slow down, what is with that question mark? You might also argue that these children were shits. Shits, that needed to be punished and they got their just desserts.  If you don’t know the evil characters I will recap for you.

Veruca Salt– This girl wants everything she sees and is one of the most spoiled children on the planet. She meets her demise after getting on the “Educated Eggdicater” in the golden geese room and falls down the trash chute.

Agustus Gloop–  He is the fat kid that has about four lines in the movie, before falling into the chocolate river. He is ultimately sent to the fudge room via vacuum tube. His only sin is loving to eat himself into an early grave or childhood diabetus.

Mike Teevee–  I don’t really know what his sin was other than being a super loud mouthed, gun loving T.V. watcher…come to think of it, he seems downright American to me. He receives his punishment by being shrunk down to the size of a baby carrot through the miracle of “Wonka Vision.”

Violet Beauregarde– The most famous of all the children in my opinion. Her sin was just being gross in general, chewing with her mouth open, putting gum behind her ears and then chewing it again. To me she is the equivalent of the kid who pisses in the sandbox at school.  Her personal hell/punishment? GIANT BLUEBERRY torture.

Yes, all of these children deserved to be punished, but did they lose? HELL NO, they got to go home. Also, ask yourself why were they all punished? Was it because they needed to learn a moral lesson? Maybe, or was it something a bit more sinister? Were these children “hand picked” by Wonka himself as a sort of warning to Charlie about what will happen to him if he upsets the all powerful WONKA.

Bringing us, at last, to the final super dick act of Willy Wonka. Stockholm Syndrome.

4.) Charlie and the Stockholm Syndrome factory.

Yes, the last and final point. We can all tell by now that WIlly knew that Charlie would inevitably win the contest and that was his plan all along. The last thing Mr. Wonka wanted in the factory was a strong willed free thinking individual that knew about things other than cabbage soup and bread feasts (high five if you understand that). Charlie is told at the end that WIlly needs someone that will inevitably take over the factory and he can’t have a grown-up do it, they will just want to change everything and do things their way not “HIS” way. Did you catch that? Wonka does not want anything to change even after he dies, he wants to breed a walking talking Willy clone. Jesus, even as I think about it they did have similar hair lines and hair color. He picked Charlie because he is timid, shy, and above all weak. He lacks the capacity to fight for anything, making him the best candidate to take over, and to top it all off his family is poor as hell, like, REAL poor. Who is going to miss the Bucket family when they all disappear into the magic factory? I will answer that for you, not a soul. Just look at the boat ride that ushered them all into the rings of hell.

Is it cold Charlie?

P.S.

The oompa loompas live on a plant called Vermes. Don’t act like your surprised I know this.

-SG

3 comments

  1. N.J. Lindquist

    You just managed to spoil a classic movie for me..never seen it and now I don’t want to..I just hope I can sleep tonite. Lol

  2. Pingback: Paris Themmen’s Unlikely Trek From Willy Wonka To Voyager | Musings of a Mild Mannered Man

  3. Pingback: The birthday of Gene Wilder | Always a Reason to Party

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