I had an entirely different topic for part three but seeing as people love toys so much, I will have to add a few more parts to the saga. Hell, the series might never even end if I can continue to find things to talk about. Today’s topic is toys that if you saw them you would want them, but no one ever owned them, and thus they faded into obscurity. So obscure that only people like myself still know they are actual things and not just myth.
1. The Eliminator TS-7
(Together they are unstoppable.)
We start off the obscure toy genre with one of the best toy guns I have ever seen in my entire life: The Eliminator TS-7. This is not a joke. This gun is so huge and powerful that in order to operate it, you literally need to look like Mr. Universe. It is not just a regular gun, oh no, but a mixture of SEVEN different killing machines. I feel that this is where they got the idea for the gun in the movie “The Fifth Element”. That’s a lie, I don’t just feel that way, that’s an understatement, I believe it whole heartedly. Also, notice the Judge Dredd-like helmet this man is wearing in the commercial (safety first, that’s how awesome the gun is) and his oily, rippling chest. I almost feel he should be shouting, “I AM THE LAW” at the top of his lungs for the entire thirty seconds of commercial time. Another lie, he is not actually oiled in any fashion. That “oil” you see is raw man sweat covering his entire body from holding the magnificence that is “THE ELIMINATOR TS-7”.
2. Battle Beasts
(Wood apparently beats water?)
After watching the commercial it seems as though this could be an expensive/elemental way to play Rock, Paper, Scissors. So, if I’m correct, if you have water you beat fire? Boom, game over, I’m glad we could get together and play for about three seconds. The power of Battle Beast was revealed by a heat sensitive sign on the chest. Up until that moment you had no clue if your Battle Beast would beat the other Beast. Alliterations aside, this toy line had 76 different beasts. Now, you might think that’s a lot already, but let me tell you more! This toy line actually had 3 series of beasts that fell into the water, fire, and earth category. But wait, there’s more! In series 4 they came out with Shadow warriors…? I don’t understand this toy anymore.
3. The Bionic 6
(Through the miracle of modern science.)
Yes, this is a thing. Yes, they actually had their own TV show that ran for two seasons in the 80’s. In the 80’s, TV shows did not just come with episodes, they also came with a myriad of toys. The shows themselves were just a conduit for you to buy things. After the success of Transformers, everyone wanted to hop on that bandwagon. Unfortunately, or fortunately depending on your view point, The Bionic 6 never really caught on and only had two seasons. This show is almost a direct influence on Captain Planet but also a mediocre G.I. Joe squad, really Bionic 6 no ninja?
4. Mega Force
(No actual commercial exists for this toy, if you find one let me know.)
Behold, the power of the military! Whose military no one will ever know because this shit got canceled. Mega Force was strictly a toy line of amazing military hardware that I wish I owned in my childhood. This was G.I. Joe on crack. The largest toy was the GOLIATH mobile battle headquarters and inside this pop up, fold out, stand up battle center it had a fighter/bomber jet ready to defend your make believe universe. This stuff was so unpopular that I cannot even find a commercial on the internet. Everything comes up with the damn Power Rangers MEGA FORCE which is weird because that’s also a show no one cares about. Also, I lied about not knowing the sides of the Mega Force universe, they were the Triax and the V-Rocs.
5. BarnYard Commandos
(I don’t have words.)
I don’t even…I can’t even…I don’t know how to start this. Barn Yard Commandos was a toy line that followed a 4 episode series of pigs with jet packs fighting sheep with knives. The characters had names like General Hamfat Lardo and Captain Tusker Chitlins (my personal favorites). To top it off they fought for the P.O.R.K.S., which of course stands for Platoon of Rebel Killer Swine, in a battle for barnyard dominance against the R.A.M.S. (Rebel Army of Military Sheep). The R.A.M.S. also had terrible names like Pilot Fluff Pendleton and Sergeant Wooly Pullover. I have nothing left to say about the BarnYard Commandos except one thing; the P.O.R.K.S. had a vehicle they drove around in named the Pork-A-Pult.
If anyone actually has any of these toys I would love to actually see them in action, Take a picture and post it to our Facebook. That’s it for part 3, thanks again for reading.