We continue part two with an observation/realization that I came to while watching television. Not just any television but specifically, benefit commercials. We have all seen them and changed the channel (unless the show your watching is worth it) because we don’t want to notice that our problems might not be so bad. Now, I can get over the commercials of suffering children and I don’t know why. That might make me a bad person but you know you do the same damn thing. Truthfully, the only commercials that break my heart are the ASPCA ads. I can, in no fashion, watch them. My theory is this…we LOVE anthropomorphic animals. We grew up with them and we loved them. Each and every cartoon had animals being awesome and they were amazing.
(Do the Care Bear countdown.)
1. Care Bears
This show says it all right there. It was not people who taught us values, but rather bears that lived on a god damn cloud. One of my first childhood toys was a Care Bear plush doll thing and if memory serves me right, it was the one with the rainy cloud on his chest. He was aptly named “Grumpy Bear” (this speaks novels about me as a person). Did I mention he rained hearts from his cloud? These bears taught us the primary “colors” of human emotions. After care bears we could identify people by what bear they fit most and we would even assign bears to people we knew in life based on their personality.
(Donatello, does machines.)
2. The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
The person you became in life is directly related to the ninja turtle you loved as a child (sorry ladies this might not apply to you). For all of you who don’t remember each specific turtle, lets go through them shall we?
Leonardo– The proverbial leader of this turtle bale (I looked it up, that’s what you call a pack of turtles, this “bale” should be called a murder). If you love good ole Leo you are the honor bound and devoted sword wielding person bent on doing right by everyone. Or not, you could be a dick and just liked the color blue.
Michelangelo– The easy going surfer dude who loves him some pizza! If you liked him you more than likely became addicted to drugs, because why not try everything at least once, right BRO? In the 80’s his tag line was, “cowabunga dude”, and his vice was pizza. If he was created for this new generation his tag line would be “YOLO” and he would be addicted to marijuana and SWAGGIN’.
Donatello– He was the genius and inventor of the group. Hyper intelligent and also hyper-scared and unsure about every life choice he has ever made. If you liked him, you most likely over think everything and wait until the last minute, missing your perfect opportunity to save the day yourself. You’re always playing second fiddle to that bitch in blue, Leonardo.
Raphael – Cynical, rude, quick tempered, but deep down a good hearted turtle. If you loved this turtle you might hate to do the right thing, but you will do it anyway, because its the right thing. However, you are going to bitch and moan and make jokes the entire time you save that burning bus full of children turtles.
For the ladies you had My Little Pony but I know exactly zero about this show, so I’m not going to even try and match the characters of that show to the Ninja Turtles. It is not that I don’t care to know, it’s just that I have yet to hit rock bottom with my life. I know I’m close with everything I’m putting in this article but I don’t want to admit it.
(Cooler has a members only jacket.)
3. Pound Puppies
Holy crap, do you even remember the opening theme song to this show?! It is a literal cry for help from animals in a pound. Their song has, I kid you not, 13 (seriously, 13) actual sung words. They are, “We’re pound puppies we wanna go home with you…Please take us home.” Then one of them lets out a distressing howl. If that did not mess you up in some fashion growing up I don’t know what did. This is the most saddening opening theme to any show in history…well maybe not every show, but looking back it did have some subliminal messaging.
The characters from this show even make me sad…how long has Whopper been wearing that same diaper? You never see him wash it, so to me he sits in his own filth constantly. Scrounger was a dog that was obsessed with garbage; obsessed most likely because he could not find anything else to eat because his owners fed him nothing. Cooler is the leader and I guess has accepted his fate and pimped out his dog house because he’s a lifer at the pound. After the show’s over, you can guess what happens…(that last comment even made me sad when I wrote it)
On a lighter note.
Everyone knows the theme song and if anyone around you ever says, “DuckTales” your immediate response is (and should be), “WOO- OO!” Also, if you don’t know at least a few lines from this song I feel sorry for your childhood because you missed out on a great show. It led to spin offs like Darkwing Duck, and…Darkwing Duck. Also, DuckTales the video game is being re-mastered so you can relive your childhood in HD.
(Better in Finnish, they had me at “your arms are broken!”)
Literally 90% of shows we viewed as children starred anthropomorphic animals as the heroes. The villains were greedy abusive humans and we cheered for the animals and wanted to be just like them, standing proud against the injustice of the crappy humans (yes, I realize that they did sometimes fight other animals).
Other shows (but not every single one of them)